This Is What I Wanted
by Eris Mackenzie
Summary: All this time, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before. FinnyGene preslash


**Title: **This Is What I Wanted

**Author: **Eris Mackenzie

**Rating: **PG

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it.

**A/N: **A little something I wrote for an English project. I really liked it, and I hope you do too! Reviews are awesome!

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Excerpt from "A Separate Peace" Pg. 191

_The rest of the day passed quickly. Dr. Stanpole had told me in the corridor that he was going to set the bone that afternoon. Come back around 5 o' clock, he had said, when Finny should be coming out of the anaesthesia. _

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I left the Infirmary and proceeded to my next class, which was American History. The day seemed to pass by at a crawl as I filled out a quiz on the Constitution. We were dismissed an hour later and I walked across the Center Common, vaguely taking note of the students loitering across the grass. In another building, my next class was no better given it was just mathematics. My trigonometry teacher assigned an intricate problem, but my hand wrote it down with little effort from my brain.

I left for lunch at around 12 o' clock in the Jared Potter Building. My stomach was in no mood for the grey-looking food, but I tossed it down anyway. I went to my rooms after that to study or so I told myself and read a few passages from the pages assigned in my Latin class. I tried to avoid any contact with my classmates on the way there but I predictably bumped into a few people. Most asked how Phineas was doing and how he was. I always answered he was fine. I lied.

At around 4 o' clock, I took a shower in the otherwise unoccupied dormitory bathroom. I dressed and combed my hair in front of the foggy mirror, making myself presentable for anyone who might take notice. I saw how dark the circles were under my eyes and wondered at how the bruised skin made my eyes seem so large and tired. I set down the brush and left the room.

Instead of going straight to the Infirmary as had been my intention, I found myself veering off, leaving the dorms and turning into the vast playing fields. They were abandoned at this time of day; the dewy wet grass discouraging any athlete from running for fear of falling, which was a common and sensible thing to be wary of.

I felt nothing, my thoughts were too many and pushed at the boundaries of my mind. The water seeping through the sides of my shoes meant nothing to me nor the wet flapping of my previously spotless and pressed pants could break the walls of my thoughts. I could smell the mostly scentless air, just the smallest odour of grass and dirt could be found as I trudged along.

The only thing I thought about was Phineas. I could picture him in my head as clear as if he were walking next to me. I thought about what happened in that tree, what made me do it. Perhaps I did it because I hated him, though I loved him too. Perhaps some wild animal had wakened from dormancy inside me and forced itself to be known if only to myself. Or perhaps something else made me do it, something that not even the smartest human could figure out.

I gradually realised that I had reached the edge of the Devon River and I stared out into the rapidly rushing water. I wondered if I could be that water, where would I go? Would I run down the current fast and hard over rocks and underwater plants and finally come out the other side somewhere in the deep blue ocean, or would I go down the rocky pathway just to circle back again staying forever on one track?

I glanced up to the top of the tree, or more appropriately _the _tree, and I wanted to turn away, but something stopped me. I saw Phineas, Brinker, Leper, myself, and everyone else who had been there that day - Brinker and Leper on the ground, Phineas and I in the tree. I saw myself against the backdrop of the sky reaching out to push Phineas; to forever change him, to permanently place my mark. I wished so vividly in that moment, so absolutely hard, that I had just grabbed hold of his arm. Had I been able to fall back in time and switch places with myself, instead of pushing him away, I'd grab hold and never let go. But not even I could change the past.

I turned away from my mind's sight, closing my eyes and opening them again to find the vision had faded. I left that place walking a bit faster than before as if for some irrational fear that the tree would transfigure itself into a red eyed demon hell-bent on taking me.

I reached the Infirmary just short of breath from my sudden burst across the playing fields. My face felt warm and damp from the muggy air outside and the change from clammy to warm inside made my skin feel even more irritable. I was almost to the door leading to Phineas's room when I spied Dr. Stanpole standing stationary in the corridor writing something diligently on his brown clipboard.

"Dr. Stanpole?" I asked. My voice surprised me even though I knew I was going to say it.

The old doctor looked up, pausing his hand, and smiled courteously. "Gene. I was wondering when you would show up."

I opened my mouth to explain my absence though I didn't know what I would make up, but Dr. Stanpole waved his hand.

"It's alright. You're only a few minutes late."

I nodded automatically and asked, "How is Phineas?"

He paused for a second and then said, "He's fine. We got the leg set in record time; no complications, quite a good procedure. We gave him a narcotic to let him sleep, but he should be coming around soon. You can sit in his room until he wakes up."

I nodded my thanks and gave a simulated smile, bypassing him and going straight to Phineas's door.

I walked through the open entrance and the first thing I saw was Phineas splayed out on the bed; sheets rumpled and twisted around his chest. It made me smile. If not for the cast on his leg, he could have been snoozing back at the dorms in our room on a lazy afternoon. His right arm was flung off the side of the bed and his hair was in his face partially covering his closed eyes.

I quietly walked to the side of his bed to a beige upholstered chair which actually looked new. I didn't notice until after I sat down that I had tip-toed. I watched Finny with a kind of fascination that distracts your mind from other thoughts, but not one other person would be able to understand why you were so spellbound.

His chest rose and fell in secession and I timed my breath with his, to breathe in and out simultaneously. Now that I looked closer, I could see that it was not just me who had dark half-moons under my eyes. Phineas looked tired in more ways than one. It was unnerving to see someone who was always so alive to look so dead.

I moved quietly to his side, careful not to wake him. I gently un-tucked the sheets from under his body before un-knotting them and smoothing the white cloth back over him. I didn't notice he was awake until I felt him stir and looked up from my hands, which were still rearranging the slightly less tangled sheets.

His eyes had been clouded and foggy from the drug they had given him but I could tell he recognized me from the sudden sharp look they assumed. I stilled though I didn't move away, not knowing how he would react. Would he stare at me all day? Would he yell? Or would he cry like he had the night before when he had allowed me a window, a glimpse of the Phineas underneath? After what seemed like an eternity of me staring into his cool blue eyes, he finally opened his mouth and freed me with one simple word.

"Hi."

I was taken back I admit. I hadn't known what to say or what he was going to do, but with his whispered greeting, he had built me a bridge back. I was surprised at first at the lack of abhorrence in his sleep-riddled voice, but then I thought about it and realised I shouldn't be. Finny was the type of person who forgave no matter what happened. He was the kind of person who gave of himself time and time again; who lived in his own world but invited you to live with him. No, not just invited you - implored you. People like Finny didn't exist; he was one of a kind. There was no way I could ever amount to him; there was simply no comparison. In my mind I know knew no one could compare with him. As I realised that, I couldn't believe it had taken me so long. Finny was good. Finny was Finny; and no matter what happened, I knew, he always was going to be. So I whispered back with a knowledge that perhaps wasn't so new alight in my eyes.

"Hi."

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A/N: Hhm.. first time I've written for a different fandom, but I must say, I feel good. ;) 


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